"Dude, the novelty has worn off."

That might be the best break-up line I've ever delivered. Well, not the best, but definitely the most recent.

There are other seemingly cruel, yet honest, phrases that have managed to leak out of my subconscious and into my mouth; without warning or premeditation. When they find their way, the words they sizzle like Pop Rocks, sweetly exploding on the tip my tongue; rendering me half afraid and half amused. I could almost smile, tickled by my own dormant wit, but the look of angst on his face generally sets me right and, with my mouth wide awake, I regain my composure and choose my words before they choose themselves. However, I am not ashamed to admit that I am responsible for quite a few gems - none of which would get me hired at Hallmark.

It sounds terribly mean, I know. But contrary to popular belief, I am neither cold nor non-committal. Quite the opposite is true. I'm not even that assertive. I'm overwhelmingly passive, if anything. Exceedingly sympathetic. Too nice. Somewhat of a pushover. I never make the first move. Too shy to ask for his phone number. Affectionate, loyal and faithful, I crave an intelligent and sexy exchange of love, sweat, passion and emotion. I even have a soundtrack all cued up for this hot pairing between myself and Mr. Not-So-Perfect with the black hair (or bald head), dark eyes, deep thoughts and wicked sense of humor who is, theoretically at least, my best friend and my lover. My only obstacle is finding the guy who fits the soundtrack...dude, where are you?

Apparently, this is my downfall: the fact that I know what I want. I'm picky. I don't waste time. I don't play games. I won't pretend to love you when I don't. I won't tell you I want to be with you when I can't stand you. I won't hold your hand when I can't even attempt to carry on a conversation with you. I won't kiss you when the sound of your voice hurts my head. I won't ignore the red flags of jealousy and insecurity when you raise them. I won't let you buy me things I can/can't buy myself. Isn't that the way it should be? I have never understood people who just hang on to nothing; people who are more afraid of being alone than being miserable.

I've recently learned that a couple of my guy friends have had secret, tragic, unrequited crushes on me. (This isn't the first time which makes it worse). They claim to be terrified of me. These guys that I call my friends and have shared so many good times with never bothered to tell me that they wanted to be more than friends because they were afraid I'd laugh. HELLO - - these loves were unrequited BECAUSE they were kept secret! Think of all the missed make-out sessions.

Are all men this lame or am I really so scary? I've come to the conclusion that I am completely misunderstood by members of the opposite sex. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.