I Got 99 Problems but a Bitch Ain't One

I don't really have 99 problems, but earlier today I did have 53.

53 unheard messages on my answering machine at home - which is a new record for me. Usually, by about message 37, I feel guilty for ignoring everybody and I take charge. But this time, I just didn't care. I stopped screening calls. I stopped coming home during the hours in which my phone might ring. I figured if anyone really needed to get a hold of me they could call my cell phone.

And then it happened: this morning my cell phone TOLD ME that my voice mail was full! It was time to take action. So this afternoon I took a lunch break, dialed my home number and listened to all 53 messages. The breakdown is pathetic:

5 messages from my mom asking why we never pick up the phone because she "KNOWS WE ARE HOME" (She could ALWAYS see through walls. GOSH!)

1 message from someone who played a touch-tone song. Thanks!

3 messages where the caller was either breathing heavy or heavily sighing.

4 messages from friends "just wanting to say HI".

1 message for Mr. Wong. (This is an actual wrong number. Mr. Wong is not one of my many aliases.)

2 messages for my daughter from her friend who giggles the entire time she's talking.

3 messages from my good friend M. Once she called to tell me that Johnny Depp was about to get slimed on Nickelodeon.

1 message from a friend inviting me to lunch.

1 message from a friend who dares to criticize my movie collection: "Hey, are you guys home? I'm depressed. Can I come over and watch crappy movies with you? You guys have all the best crappy movies..."

11 hang-ups, and since I can't access my Caller ID from a remote location - too bad. You want me to call you back? Leave a message.

4 messages from the guy who does not understand he is not my boyfriend. 

1 message from a friend asking me, "Do you still have a job, dude? Because I think we might be hiring soon!"

3 messages from three different friends asking for three different favors.

2 messages from two random people, who are not my friends, asking for favors.

1 message from some obnoxious pre-recorded voice offering to help me refinance my house.

1 message from my kid's dentist.

1 message from a friend inviting me to dinner.

3 messages asking me to call some 1-800 number for a "VERY SPECIAL OFFER!". I hope that doesn't have anything to do with those penis enlargement emails I keep getting.

1 message is actually a recording of a conversation between myself and a friend early one morning. I must have answered the phone as he was leaving a message. After asking repeatedly, "What time is it? What day is it?" I hung up on him. (I don't even remember this ever happening.)

1 message from a drunk friend at a club: "Oh my GAWD! Girl, you are NEVER gonna guess who I just saw!!!" You're right. I'm NEVER gonna guess. I don't care.

2 messages from my sister. One she left early Sunday morning: "Hey, it's your sister, ARE YOU AWAKE?! Helloooo? Are you awake? Are we going out today, or what??? You'd better not flake, beeeeeyatch!"

1 message from an old friend who speaks in code: "It's me. Call me. Don't be stupid....CALL ME. You need to get down here. Just get down here. Well, call me first."

The worst part about all this is that I already have FIVE new messages!